Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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