Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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