I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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