I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
