I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Panties = found
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
