This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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