I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
