My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize