stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Bring me that man meat
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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