You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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