I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
