so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
