I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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