Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
