Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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