I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize