I'm really into asian looking animals
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
