She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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