party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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