Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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