Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
