my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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