shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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