I cannot find my penis.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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