girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
