literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
