Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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