Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
