watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
