my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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