6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
