the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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