I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
