Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We left an ass print on the piano.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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