good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
