I can tuck mytits in my pants
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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