oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
