I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
