It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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