I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
