thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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