Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
