the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
