ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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