Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
