Acid is not a monday night drug
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
