We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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