just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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