My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
