I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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