So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
