we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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