Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
