I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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